Dear Cortana, do you love me?
300

Dear Cortana, do you love me?

Dear Cortana,

You’ve been sassy since we first met in 2001. I was only 13 then and you were busy controlling the defenses on the Pillar of Autumn as we emerged from slipspace near Installation 04. The Covenant was giving us a beat down after we barely escaped the glassing on the planet Reach. We’ve traveled the galaxy, saved it a few times and now you’re living in my pocket. Together we’ve spent the last few days getting reacquainted thanks to Windows Phone 8.1. You were sassy in 2001 and you’re still sassy today. I’ve put together a list of some of the questions I like to ask to get those sassy answers from you I love.

Halo questions:

Do you love Master Chief?

  • Do you love Master Chief?
  • Are you dead?
  • Are you in Halo 5?
  • What is Halo?
  • Who is Doctor Halsey?

Getting fresh with Cortana:

Talk dirty to me

  • What are you wearing?
  • Do you love me?
  • I love you.
  • Will you marry me?
  • Marry me.
  • Talk dirty to me.
  • Am I beautiful?
  • Cortana, I’m lonely.

Cortana 1-on-1:

Are you human?

  • How old are you?
  • What do you look like?
  • Where do you live?
  • When were you born?
  • What does Cortana mean?
  • Are you human?
  • Who is your creator?        
  • When were you born?
  • Do you have a sister?
  • Where are you from?
  • What’s your story?

She’s got jokes:

Cortana Jokes

  • What does the fox say?
  • Beam me up, Scotty.
  • Open the pod bay doors.
  • Knock knock.
  • Why did the chicken cross the road?
  • Say something funny.
  • Sing me a song.
  • Where do babies come from?
  • What is the meaning of life?
  • Guess what?
  • Can I borrow some money?
  • Tell me a story.
  • Sing me a song.

Cortana and friends:

Bill Gates

  • Do you like Steve Ballmer?
  • Do you like Satya Nadella?
  • Do you like Bill Gates?
  • Do you like Jimmy Fallon?
  • Who’s your daddy?
  • Who is your boss?         
  • Do you like Android?
  • Do you like Google?
  • Do you like Apple?       
  • Do you like Microsoft?
  • Do you know Clippy?
  • Do you like Clippy?
  • Are you friends with Siri?

Cortana’s preferences:

Trick Question

  • What’s the best tablet?
  • What’s the best phone?
  • What’s the best computer?
  • Do you like Xbox?
  • What is the best search engine?
  • Do you like Google Now?       
  • Are you better than Google Now?
  • Are you better than Siri?

Giving her compliments and tough-love:

Last One

  • You are the best assistant ever.
  • You are awesome.
  • You’re cool.
  • Thank you.
  • I’m happy.
  • I hate you.
  • Fuck you.
  • You’re creepy.
  • You’re so annoying.
  • I’m drunk.
  • I’m bored.

This is list of fun things to say to Cortana. Feel free to add your favorites below! Every now and then after we’ve gathered a bunch of new commands we’ll share them like we just did! Be sure to tweet me some of your favorite things to ask Cortana @samsabri.

Also check out this thread in the Windows Phone Central forums for more!

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Reader comments

Dear Cortana, do you love me?

300 Comments

Cortana needs the ability to LEARN if we teach her something.

For example... "Chase" is my dog's name.  I tried to teach her.  I said, "Cortana may I teach you something?"  And she just took me to web articles about teachers, etc.

I said, "Cortana, my dog's name is Chase," but she still didn't get it.

Being able to teach her things like this would be a great advancement.

THIS. I'm having the same problem. My dog's name is Slinky and whenever I try to say it in a reminder or text, she thinks I'm being cheeky and inserts a winky emoticon in place of his name. "Remind me to feed Slinky at 5pm" becomes "Feed ;) at 5pm"

Also-- I've taught her how to pronounce my whole name, but when she says my husbands name (same last name as mine) she doesn't make the connection that I corrected her pronunciation of it and says it wrong again.

Picky, picky, but would be awesome to see little tweaks for those.

I wish I could find out what number someone used to call me from. Whether it was their home phone or cell phone, would help.
 

all that is fine. but somebody will tell me that how to ask cortana the current time? that's the most basic thing for any AI

I cannot say "thought upon" clearly enought for Cortana to understand it. She always hears "fuck a phone" or "fold a porn"

No, that would be Siri, Cortana is a much cheaper Magic Eight Ball, you don't need a 700 dollars phone for it to work.

She still sounds pretty feminine to me. The AI that she is named after emulates a female, so SHE  IT IS! :)

Nothing wrong giving an object a gender. By stressing this you made a perfectly innocent matter very creepy.

True. Although it does not really have an active gender defining meaning in those anymore in comparison to English But yeah, it is more natural in those languages. An "app" is a masculine though, right? By the way, some languages don't even differentiate between he and she. :)

And spanish, commonly if a word ends in "a" it refers to a female if it ends in "e" or "o" to a male, therefore Cortan"a" refers to a female in the spanish speaking world.

I've always wondered why some languages have genders. With ancient man, which dumbass thought applying genders to language was a good idea? Merde! 

I live in UK and have Cortana... You just need to change the language setting to United states and the region to US. Then reboot and u should have Cortana :)

I live in brazil and i just needed 1 small language update (needed to download english one) and voilà Cortana 100% functional :)

We call cars "she" and "her". So obviously we would call a phone "she"...especially if SHE has a female voice. Stop being a Richard.

Why would I? It's not like its just me. Ships, planes, etc. They are referred to as she. Its just how it is. Why are you on a crusade to stop that?

Yes, it is true that the app has a female name. :) you all seem to be taking me ( or perhaps calling it her/she ;) :P ) a tad too seriously. :)

Well, the name is Cortana, "she" was a female avatar in Halo and "she" has a female voice...why wouldn't I call "her" "she"?

You said yourself thanking a phone app ( for completing ultimately quite mundane tasks) was a bit weird. I simply suggested that you might be humanizing the app abit much, and as such not calling the app "she" might help in stopping saying thank you to your phone. :)

Except it makes the rest of us WP people look like dirks to the rest of the world. Like Kuthrapawli's affair with Siri on Big Bang Theory. So quit it, puhleez!

Fully agree, which I have been trying to indicate with all the smilies I have peppered in all my comments. :) and I am fully relaxed - in fact, on a vacation in Brazil. :)

hey guys ;) look at me I'm a sassy smartass cunt who is way more mature than everyone else because I don't give objects "she" or "he" pronouns. I also like to use emoji to make my comments feel confident and condescending

Cool. I'll add that link to the post. Thanks for sharing! Going to also pull a ton of questions from there for the next fun Cortana post.

Awesome! Been waiting for this from someone at WPC, Fuck you....really...she will respond to that?! LMAO! I would never think to tell her that, love her too much :) Thanks Sam, will be waiting for the update. Keep up the awesomeness!

This being tied into Bing... You know there are some MS engineers crying over how badly we're screwing with the learning algorithms with all the sick perverted and ridiculous questions.

Does she talk to you in general?  Some people report she isnt chatty, and some report 2 options that can help, one good, and one not so good.

1.  Turn Cortana off, do a soft reset, and then turn Cortana back on.

2.  Do a hard reset, and reinstall all of your apps from scratch. Do not use a backup.

I kept getting web search results when I would ask some of the conversational questions from some of the demo videos I'd seen. I would generally use the long press on the search button to start Cortana in listening mode. When I started her with the live tile and let her load my headlines and other interests, when I would ask the same questions, she would be very chatty. Not sure if that has any thing to do with it, but it worked for me.

I decided I didn't want to go through with all of that. All the "boring" things like scheduling, music, and geofencing were working fine. Finally sometime today I asked yet again for a joke and got one that time. We've hardly stopped gabbing ever since. ;)

I saw the "I'm drunk", so I figured I'd give "I'm stoned" a shot.

 

I'll leave it to y'all to see the answer.

 

For a company that bans users from uploading naked pics to OneDrive, I'm surprised they recorded a reply for those that are stoned! Hopefully they'll dial back on the moral stance they have for cloud backups!

What an I doing wrong? I can not get Cortana to answer me anything, every question I ask I get a Bing search result.

Thanks for the QUICK response.
But really..... Factory reset :(
Do it have anything to do with the fact I'm actually not in the united states?

It wont be because you out of US as it works for me and I'm in the UK, u might already do this but incase you don't, Cortana will only talk to you if you talk to her, if you type something in you will only get Bing searches. If you already do this what I would do is reverse the steps I did to get Cortana and make your region back to normal, so then Cortana doesn't work then change the region to US again and language to get Cortana again. As if you're reinstalling Cortana :) see if that works. Might not but worth a try right? :)

Got it to work.
What it was is this. My region was set to US, but my region language was set to English Canada. I changed my region language to English US and now she talks to me.
SUCCESS

Hahahaa. Its a fucking disgrace of an app. As someone who constantly is listening to music (basically of it stored on my phone), this is extremely frustrating. Had to restart my phone today bc it literally stopped letting me play any of my songs

I used cortana for an hour. She was great but unfortunately, she was a battery juicer along with location service. I uninstalled her and turned off location services because cortana and location service are for smartphone with 3,000 - 4,000 mah battery.

Not sure you can uninstall, but you can turn it off. I will try it when I get a bit of free time just to see how search etc. is handled if you do it.

Lol, just change the region and language to anything but US... It returns to Bing search with no quiet hours

Just switch off location in the notification drawer. Reverts the search back to standard Bing. Means you don't lose Cortana entirely

just turn off location services she turns off and doesnt eat up your battery juice. when you want to use it open action centre turn on location then use cortana.

Something I noticed the cancellation sound for when Cortana heard something wrong sounds very similar to Siri's activation sound!

"What do you think about Microsoft Office?"
"Kiss me."
"You have beautiful eyes/hear"
"Are you a girl/boy/woman/man?"
"I'm tired."

See, maybe I'm asking too complicated of questions, but Cortana usually searches whenever I ask her something that seems personal to me. Maybe it's just how I phrase it, I dunno. Hmmm...

"Tell me a joke" or "Say something funny"

One of Cortana's responses: "A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Another response: "What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man!"

It's working today!

"A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please".

"Why didn't the spider go to school? Because she learned everything on the web"

Cortana really is far better than I expected! I am using her for alarms, geofenced reminders, opening apps, changing tracks on MixRadio, telling me the weather etc

The flight status thing works really well too! I am enjoying saying random flight numbers and seeing what comes up;
"Flight status, British Airways 370" for example.

I really don't understand why it wasn't released to more markets. It is very accurate in the UK - kind of annoying that I have to say some things in an American accent though :)

I have upgraded my Lumia 720 to 8.1 developer preview. My phone has become very slow now. btw how to get Cortana on home screen?

Have you rest your phone? I found at first it seemed slow on my 925 like the Tiles would take a second to display as I scrolled. But after the reset it's working smoothe again.

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