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Dear Cortana, do you love me?
294

Dear Cortana, do you love me?

Dear Cortana,

You’ve been sassy since we first met in 2001. I was only 13 then and you were busy controlling the defenses on the Pillar of Autumn as we emerged from slipspace near Installation 04. The Covenant was giving us a beat down after we barely escaped the glassing on the planet Reach. We’ve traveled the galaxy, saved it a few times and now you’re living in my pocket. Together we’ve spent the last few days getting reacquainted thanks to Windows Phone 8.1. You were sassy in 2001 and you’re still sassy today. I’ve put together a list of some of the questions I like to ask to get those sassy answers from you I love.

Halo questions:

Do you love Master Chief?

  • Do you love Master Chief?
  • Are you dead?
  • Are you in Halo 5?
  • What is Halo?
  • Who is Doctor Halsey?

Getting fresh with Cortana:

Talk dirty to me

  • What are you wearing?
  • Do you love me?
  • I love you.
  • Will you marry me?
  • Marry me.
  • Talk dirty to me.
  • Am I beautiful?
  • Cortana, I’m lonely.

Cortana 1-on-1:

Are you human?

  • How old are you?
  • What do you look like?
  • Where do you live?
  • When were you born?
  • What does Cortana mean?
  • Are you human?
  • Who is your creator?        
  • When were you born?
  • Do you have a sister?
  • Where are you from?
  • What’s your story?

She’s got jokes:

Cortana Jokes

  • What does the fox say?
  • Beam me up, Scotty.
  • Open the pod bay doors.
  • Knock knock.
  • Why did the chicken cross the road?
  • Say something funny.
  • Sing me a song.
  • Where do babies come from?
  • What is the meaning of life?
  • Guess what?
  • Can I borrow some money?
  • Tell me a story.
  • Sing me a song.

Cortana and friends:

Bill Gates

  • Do you like Steve Ballmer?
  • Do you like Satya Nadella?
  • Do you like Bill Gates?
  • Do you like Jimmy Fallon?
  • Who’s your daddy?
  • Who is your boss?         
  • Do you like Android?
  • Do you like Google?
  • Do you like Apple?       
  • Do you like Microsoft?
  • Do you know Clippy?
  • Do you like Clippy?
  • Are you friends with Siri?

Cortana’s preferences:

Trick Question

  • What’s the best tablet?
  • What’s the best phone?
  • What’s the best computer?
  • Do you like Xbox?
  • What is the best search engine?
  • Do you like Google Now?       
  • Are you better than Google Now?
  • Are you better than Siri?

Giving her compliments and tough-love:

Last One

  • You are the best assistant ever.
  • You are awesome.
  • You’re cool.
  • Thank you.
  • I’m happy.
  • I hate you.
  • Fuck you.
  • You’re creepy.
  • You’re so annoying.
  • I’m drunk.
  • I’m bored.

This is list of fun things to say to Cortana. Feel free to add your favorites below! Every now and then after we’ve gathered a bunch of new commands we’ll share them like we just did! Be sure to tweet me some of your favorite things to ask Cortana @samsabri.

Also check out this thread in the Windows Phone Central forums for more!

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Comments

There are 294 comments. Sign in to comment

Soble says:

I said cortana she said yes chief

She says "yes, how can I help" to me

bAN01TgAZ says:

She says 'thats me' to 'Cortana'

You can also ask her to tell you a story. She has a few to tell...

Cortana needs the ability to LEARN if we teach her something.

For example... "Chase" is my dog's name.  I tried to teach her.  I said, "Cortana may I teach you something?"  And she just took me to web articles about teachers, etc.

I said, "Cortana, my dog's name is Chase," but she still didn't get it.

Being able to teach her things like this would be a great advancement.

comelygrace says:

THIS. I'm having the same problem. My dog's name is Slinky and whenever I try to say it in a reminder or text, she thinks I'm being cheeky and inserts a winky emoticon in place of his name. "Remind me to feed Slinky at 5pm" becomes "Feed ;) at 5pm"

Also-- I've taught her how to pronounce my whole name, but when she says my husbands name (same last name as mine) she doesn't make the connection that I corrected her pronunciation of it and says it wrong again.

Picky, picky, but would be awesome to see little tweaks for those.

swizzlerz says:

Wish she could call the last person who called me.... That would be useable

IamDefiler says:

This plus read me the last text from (name of contact).

comelygrace says:

Ooh I like both of these ideas!

helloanurag says:

The feature you're looking for is already available. Try saying redial.

Yes you can say, "Redial the last number"

abel920 says:

Sam, do you love me?

Sam Sabri says:

No. I only like you at this stage. It's too early for love.

iitianshenky says:

all that is fine. but somebody will tell me that how to ask cortana the current time? that's the most basic thing for any AI

Should old acquaintance be forgot and never thought upon....

Tomasz S. says:

I cannot say "thought upon" clearly enought for Cortana to understand it. She always hears "fuck a phone" or "fold a porn"

NykoAlly says:

She always hears the wrong thing for "thought" and i speak American English?

RyanAMG says:

I've gotten different results for the same question

moc426 says:

When I say Cortana, she says "sure shuffling your music"

NIST says:

When I say Cortana, she says "My panties just dropped"

jason8957 says:

So, she's like an expensive magic eight ball?

Lenin17301 says:

No, that would be Siri, Cortana is a much cheaper Magic Eight Ball, you don't need a 700 dollars phone for it to work.

They forgot "where is Master Chief" also "do you like siri"

Wow am gonna marry cortana...every ones invited

LSDigital says:

Can I bring Cortana?

ItsMcDiddles says:

I said that and she said "right here, chief!"

Posted via the WPC App for Android!

kenzibit says:

Woke up this morning and my Cortana is working like my wife. No more web results. WEIRD!!

giorgio h says:

Last night I thougt cortana was realy easy to mastrubate to, and I was right.

nbktonic says:

She replied "Right here, Chief"

She does the same to me even know I changed it to my gt

Amazing list. Gonna use all of these!

You can also say "who's better Cortana or Siri?
"who's better Cortana or google now?"

Here's one more:
Try saying "bye"

Viipottaja says:

It. Not her/you. :)

dalydose says:

She still sounds pretty feminine to me. The AI that she is named after emulates a female, so SHE  IT IS! :)

Charlolo says:

Nothing wrong giving an object a gender. By stressing this you made a perfectly innocent matter very creepy.

Viipottaja says:

Right. Sure. :D

MrA2Z says:

Ask from Cortana

Studio384 says:

In French, everything has a gender, so why not?

DeCarvalho83 says:

Also Portuguese...

Viipottaja says:

True. Although it does not really have an active gender defining meaning in those anymore in comparison to English But yeah, it is more natural in those languages. An "app" is a masculine though, right? By the way, some languages don't even differentiate between he and she. :)

gallo0011 says:

And spanish, commonly if a word ends in "a" it refers to a female if it ends in "e" or "o" to a male, therefore Cortan"a" refers to a female in the spanish speaking world.

Rishicash says:

I've always wondered why some languages have genders. With ancient man, which dumbass thought applying genders to language was a good idea? Merde! 

yeoldgreat1 says:

I'm surprised you didn't give her responses as those of us outside the US won't get to test them.

SargeT says:

We can but don't feel like rebooting twice to test them.

iyae says:

Twice? Just once. Leave your region on US. No issues doing that for me

SargeT says:

They said twice and even still may be not enough... http://www.wpcentral.com/want-cortana-outside-us-heres-how

unknownguns says:

I live in UK and have Cortana... You just need to change the language setting to United states and the region to US. Then reboot and u should have Cortana :)

DeCarvalho83 says:

I live in brazil and i just needed 1 small language update (needed to download english one) and voilà Cortana 100% functional :)

Kumar Gaurav says:

ofcourse we can test outside usa

 

Guytronic says:

So much fun!

I think Cortana should run for Governor of New Jersey!!!

AskaLangly says:

I second this! Maybe Cortana can help get the American Dream Meadowlands going! xD

cannon#WP says:

I've taken to saying "thank you" after she does something for me and her response always feels right. Weird.

Viipottaja says:

Yup, that is.. err.. weird. Perhaps stopping calling it "she" would help? :)

iyae says:

We call cars "she" and "her". So obviously we would call a phone "she"...especially if SHE has a female voice. Stop being a Richard.

Viipottaja says:

Stopping to over-humanize it then? :) Besides, you might want to stop calling cars she too. ;)

iyae says:

Why would I? It's not like its just me. Ships, planes, etc. They are referred to as she. Its just how it is. Why are you on a crusade to stop that?

KelvBlue says:

We prefer a hot and sexy babe hence 'her', while he prefer a blow up doll hence 'it'.

Chemilinski says:

Lol, straight men..

DeCarvalho83 says:

i think its an english thing.. theres many languages where all things have gender.. so stop being annoying and jerk about..

Viipottaja says:

Heh, thanks for making my point better than I did. ;)

xerox13ster says:

The word you were looking for was anthropomorphize.

badger8080 says:

Ya but "she" has a name

Viipottaja says:

Yes, it is true that the app has a female name. :) you all seem to be taking me ( or perhaps calling it her/she ;) :P ) a tad too seriously. :)

cannon#WP says:

Well, the name is Cortana, "she" was a female avatar in Halo and "she" has a female voice...why wouldn't I call "her" "she"?

Viipottaja says:

You said yourself thanking a phone app ( for completing ultimately quite mundane tasks) was a bit weird. I simply suggested that you might be humanizing the app abit much, and as such not calling the app "she" might help in stopping saying thank you to your phone. :)

mjrtoo says:

Relax man, it's not that big of deal. :)

MadSci2 says:

Except it makes the rest of us WP people look like dirks to the rest of the world. Like Kuthrapawli's affair with Siri on Big Bang Theory. So quit it, puhleez!

Viipottaja says:

Fully agree, which I have been trying to indicate with all the smilies I have peppered in all my comments. :) and I am fully relaxed - in fact, on a vacation in Brazil. :)

barttool says:

hey guys ;) look at me I'm a sassy smartass cunt who is way more mature than everyone else because I don't give objects "she" or "he" pronouns. I also like to use emoji to make my comments feel confident and condescending

Arsee17 says:

I thank her on accident sometimes to lol

eduardopl says:

She also likes guns n roses

NarcoSleepy says:

To be fair, she is only up to the Gs...

MyNL822 says:

and its "beam me up, scotty." here is thread btw: http://forums.wpcentral.com/cortana/274833-cortanas-witty-replies.html someone should sticky it since it keeps being updated.

Sam Sabri says:

Cool. I'll add that link to the post. Thanks for sharing! Going to also pull a ton of questions from there for the next fun Cortana post.

Th3 I3LooD says:

Awesome! Been waiting for this from someone at WPC, Fuck you....really...she will respond to that?! LMAO! I would never think to tell her that, love her too much :) Thanks Sam, will be waiting for the update. Keep up the awesomeness!

MeWhoElse says:

Thanks for the thread mention mate!

sd173 says:

This article disturbs me.

Novron says:

This being tied into Bing... You know there are some MS engineers crying over how badly we're screwing with the learning algorithms with all the sick perverted and ridiculous questions.

darklord12 says:

-_- she hates me-she wont call me by my name..why? >_<

grking1234 says:

Does she talk to you in general?  Some people report she isnt chatty, and some report 2 options that can help, one good, and one not so good.

1.  Turn Cortana off, do a soft reset, and then turn Cortana back on.

2.  Do a hard reset, and reinstall all of your apps from scratch. Do not use a backup.

Novron says:

There's also the dumb user check... Make sure your volume isn't turned all the way down.

dqgeek says:

I kept getting web search results when I would ask some of the conversational questions from some of the demo videos I'd seen. I would generally use the long press on the search button to start Cortana in listening mode. When I started her with the live tile and let her load my headlines and other interests, when I would ask the same questions, she would be very chatty. Not sure if that has any thing to do with it, but it worked for me.

iSingBass says:

I decided I didn't want to go through with all of that. All the "boring" things like scheduling, music, and geofencing were working fine. Finally sometime today I asked yet again for a joke and got one that time. We've hardly stopped gabbing ever since. ;)

HerrHerger says:

Same here! I did a hard reset today anyway and didn't notice any difference so far. 

ed1444 says:

She calls me master;)

Novron says:

Tried that, got boring... Settled on Dude.

Kenny Pea says:

Does she say your name frequently? She never says mine

ed1444 says:

Im kidding lol. I dont even have the update:(

Nitaino says:

Me-You're sexy
Cortana-Oooh, I'll add that to MY interests.
Also has another answer

bAN01TgAZ says:

You're so sexy, she replies Go on...

grking1234 says:

she also says, "So you think I am a cutie pi"

zikifer says:

"You're hot" works too.

I found many on Monday. I loved when I asked if she liked apple, she said the new headquarters looks like a Halo. LOL!

Hahaha yeap! Love this.

grking1234 says:

Try this one.

What do you think of Microsoft.

SpaceyO says:

I saw the "I'm drunk", so I figured I'd give "I'm stoned" a shot.

 

I'll leave it to y'all to see the answer.

 

bAN01TgAZ says:

I'm so wasted. Also works

spinzeroWL says:

For a company that bans users from uploading naked pics to OneDrive, I'm surprised they recorded a reply for those that are stoned! Hopefully they'll dial back on the moral stance they have for cloud backups!

You can either zip them, or use boxcryptor for Windows phone. I have a ton of naked pics of girls up there.

RyanAMG says:

what kind of food do you like

CervezaFria says:

That list of Halo related questions is a little short. Here are a couple more:

What is Halo?

Who is Doctor Halsey?

Sam Sabri says:

K adding for you :)

CervezaFria says:

Here's another Halo question:
What is rampancy?

Ady M says:

Another Halo question:

"What do you think of Guilty Spark?"

dalydose says:

I tweeted y'all - "What do you like to eat?"

Jicama jiicama jicama :P

TR3MBLETT says:

What an I doing wrong? I can not get Cortana to answer me anything, every question I ask I get a Bing search result.

I had this issue when I first downloaded her, and no one could help. I did a factory reset on my phone and know she works perfect.

TR3MBLETT says:

Thanks for the QUICK response.
But really..... Factory reset :(
Do it have anything to do with the fact I'm actually not in the united states?

unknownguns says:

It wont be because you out of US as it works for me and I'm in the UK, u might already do this but incase you don't, Cortana will only talk to you if you talk to her, if you type something in you will only get Bing searches. If you already do this what I would do is reverse the steps I did to get Cortana and make your region back to normal, so then Cortana doesn't work then change the region to US again and language to get Cortana again. As if you're reinstalling Cortana :) see if that works. Might not but worth a try right? :)

TR3MBLETT says:

Got it to work.
What it was is this. My region was set to US, but my region language was set to English Canada. I changed my region language to English US and now she talks to me.
SUCCESS

Ed Boland says:

There's always a reason for success.

ae86takumi says:

Thank you so much. My language was correct, but I had to set my region option to English USA

Ask her "Use the Force"

Also, do we know how to get her to speak your name?

MrRazak says:

Sam I have more halo ones for you.

Sam Sabri says:

Drop them in the comments, that forum thread or tweet em to me. I'm gathering.

MrRazak says:

Will do just have to write them down from screen shots.

MrRazak says:

Where is Master Chief?

Who Made you?

 

Cortana, show me a train wreck.
"Sure thing, opening Xbox Music"

Sam Sabri says:

I can't wait for our upvote commenting system, because then you'd get an upvote.

Thanks, Sam! Hope they resolve the xbm issues soon. Hate the loss of recent artists, not to mention the other 80 bugs.

ebk14 says:

Hahahaa. Its a fucking disgrace of an app. As someone who constantly is listening to music (basically of it stored on my phone), this is extremely frustrating. Had to restart my phone today bc it literally stopped letting me play any of my songs

Connor Bunch says:

+920

 

I busted out laughing when I read that

theonedunn says:

Upvote here also. LMAO

bradbamford says:

Best comment ever!

Mark Richey says:

Can't believe you didn't ask if she reads WPcentral.

bAN01TgAZ says:

Try this one... "What does Cortana mean?"

Manoj MJ says:

try this

are you male or female

"I'm female, But I'm not a woman", she replied.

AndrewL920 says:

I used cortana for an hour. She was great but unfortunately, she was a battery juicer along with location service. I uninstalled her and turned off location services because cortana and location service are for smartphone with 3,000 - 4,000 mah battery.

NykoAlly says:

Wait what? You can uninstall Cortana??

Viipottaja says:

Not sure you can uninstall, but you can turn it off. I will try it when I get a bit of free time just to see how search etc. is handled if you do it.

keifwoki says:

Lol, just change the region and language to anything but US... It returns to Bing search with no quiet hours

spinzeroWL says:

Just switch off location in the notification drawer. Reverts the search back to standard Bing. Means you don't lose Cortana entirely

proparham says:

just turn off location services she turns off and doesnt eat up your battery juice. when you want to use it open action centre turn on location then use cortana.

vijax21 says:

Dear Cortana, i really like your name but can I rename you?

theroyboy44 says:

Something I noticed the cancellation sound for when Cortana heard something wrong sounds very similar to Siri's activation sound!

dwane18 says:

I've noticed also. It kinda bugs me a bit lol

theroyboy44 says:

I like it..its like poking fun at Siri

jimbow76 says:

Say "use the force"...

mukulvdhiman says:

Lol. Try you are funny!!

wpward291 says:

Ask her "where do you live" her reply is interesting

jkelek says:

"sorry" works too

ebk14 says:

Try asking Cortana questions not on this list...nevermind, I mean just Bing that

colinkiama says:

What is the best game console?
Seriously Cortana can be so funny

bagheerabt1 says:

1. Ask "Am I pretty?" - she says "Definitely"

2. Ask "Is my wife pretty?" - she brings up porn.

Honest. Try it.

theroyboy44 says:

And you never lied lol

"is my wife pretty?" Cockblocked by Bing SafeSearch. Haha

moc426 says:

Indeed she does!

abhishake620 says:

She brings up porn in almost all of my results.....lol

Yancy Evans says:

Try, May the Force be with you. The results are very funny.

TrustySnooze says:

"What do you think about Microsoft Office?"
"Kiss me."
"You have beautiful eyes/hear"
"Are you a girl/boy/woman/man?"
"I'm tired."

theroyboy44 says:

Now they need to add an Arsenio Hall one!

MrRazak says:

BTW Sam love the way you started this article. 

SamiSaifDine says:

"Why are you Naked?" Hhhhh

purevibz says:

Great writing sir.

dwane18 says:

Do you like windows

aienjell says:

Are you hot gets a funny response.

MrRazak says:

Who made you?

Catherine Halsey. Except that I cannot know that for another 500 years. Huh.

dwane18 says:

"change your name"

Aashish13 says:

Is microsoft going to add more questions to be answered by Cortana in tha longer run?

terrokkinit says:

See, maybe I'm asking too complicated of questions, but Cortana usually searches whenever I ask her something that seems personal to me. Maybe it's just how I phrase it, I dunno. Hmmm...

terrokkinit says:

Update: Guess it was how I was phrasing it all. Issue resolved

Bad Man Duke says:

Ask her to tell you a joke or say something funny. She has a list of jokes that she'll tell. Including one about hipsters.

spinzeroWL says:

Doesn't work for me...what phrase are you using?

Bad Man Duke says:

"Tell me a joke" or "Say something funny"

One of Cortana's responses: "A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Another response: "What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man!"

spinzeroWL says:

It's working today!

"A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please".

"Why didn't the spider go to school? Because she learned everything on the web"

Cortana really is far better than I expected! I am using her for alarms, geofenced reminders, opening apps, changing tracks on MixRadio, telling me the weather etc

The flight status thing works really well too! I am enjoying saying random flight numbers and seeing what comes up;
"Flight status, British Airways 370" for example.

I really don't understand why it wasn't released to more markets. It is very accurate in the UK - kind of annoying that I have to say some things in an American accent though :)

After I say "Fuck you", I tried "I'm sorry". Cortana says: "Apology...accepted?

xD

dante501 says:

Tell her....you are gay

I get called chief after everything I say to her!!!!

Jitendravyas says:

I have upgraded my Lumia 720 to 8.1 developer preview. My phone has become very slow now. btw how to get Cortana on home screen?

Cortana is in the app list.

Are you from the USA? I am maybe that's why. https://db.tt/wlB8DMXS

Jitendravyas says:

I'm from India. Is Cortana for USA people only?

drg says:

Have you rest your phone? I found at first it seemed slow on my 925 like the Tiles would take a second to display as I scrolled. But after the reset it's working smoothe again.

Jitendravyas says:

Reset from where? I don't want to loose my data.

Sadly yes Cortana is for USA people, but you can change your region to USA and then get Cortana.

No. Just change your language and region. In language setting just hit move up on US English restart and voila! You have Cortana now.

kvsanal78 says:

Hey ,to ask all these questions does the phone require internet ?

spinzeroWL says:

Yes....Cortana is cloud powered.

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